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| times slow hands pass,
there have been many moments threw my fall season at camp where i have stopped and looked around and seen how faithful God has been. although now as i look back i see so many more which scares me so much , as i wonder if i missed some of the most beautiful things because I was distracted. There is defiantly a certain beauty in having the ability to look back and see how things have changed, the nights i spent sitting under the stars alone asking questions of why i was where i was. Now i see the reasons and appreciate all the struggles it took to get me to that place,yet am scared at what is around the corner.
My mind now runs circles, 6 months in our winter season at camp, the fact i have chosen not to go home for christmas and what that all means for my family, re learning how to say good bye to people knowing that the journey of friendship is not done. time will be the only answer to so many of my questions.
Its funny how our decisions in one area of our lives directly link to other areas, i have learned that i often choose to do certain things because i dont know what to do in other areas of my life. Choice of a hand shake over a hug, a smile over allowing someone to see how i am really feeling, a one word answer over an explanation. Yet over and over again i find my self at the end of a day walking back to my house with my room mates dog asking the same dang questions .. siting on the edge of the parking lot dividers trying to figure out why i am the way i am and what has made into this.
Sitting in a room with 3 other people i stand up and walk to the washroom where i look in the mirror, my tired eyes tell me i have been up far to many nights thinking yet it does not seem to stop me, i watch the moon cross my window and still i wait for answers finding nothing.
time for a road trip, a camping trip, a day snow shoeing and then free boarding down a mountain..Time will tell and i will watch the hands move in my watch. | | |
| The whispers of the band wailin’ jennys plays in my dark room as my mind races from corner to corner. What has brought me to this point, what dictated the moments that passed my hours, the common answer in the state of mind which I am in presently is God. I believe that answer is defiantly correct and fully true but at times this does not seem easy to swallow, the raw truth that the control I believe I have over my life really is just a false feeling and really all I experience is already planed out by something bigger and uncompressible.
As I walked back to my house the night sky ate up my shadow moments before the cool mist was able to touch it, stepping faster into the unknown darkness I could feel my chest tighten and I knew that in all truth this was not a place I liked to find my self. Half way between the destination and half way from the start, caught in the unknown trying to place my feet right so that I did not stumble and break sight of where I was heading. To be distracted from the goal could subsequently mean falling short, a failure, a missed point, a disappointment and lastly proof of ones worthlessness.
What could in any warrant these feelings?, Perhaps it’s the fact of always running, trying to get things done, making sure ends meet and then getting to the point of exhaustion and realizing that thee is no one there to carry you or help you up after you have fallen. Although there is a fine distinction that has to be made that links to the last sentence, the “someone” that would possibly be there to assist you in the times of trouble does not need to be a significant other as in all truth that can be overrated as realistically even if someone has a significant other they still need other people/ close friends to support them in their lives. When did Life become hinged on accomplishments and achievements, this I am unsure of and find concerning yet it is reality.
Sitting by the fire I find my self fighting to not say im sorry, yet in the end that is the only answer to my oh so broken heart. How on earth can God love such a broken person this is a question that I thought of as I watched the flames flickered and jumped around as if dancing.
Three hills a town filled with memories of happy times and hard times, yet as I walked down the road today I realized that above all else this was the very first place I was ok in being an individual. Not finding any identity in things that once had held me back and others that had held me back, it was the place where God met me and asked me to continue pushing my self to seek after him and not to give up when things got hard. Now I find my self 3 years later looking back asking God to once again meet me so I didn’t make yet another mistake or end up ending something that truly had potential.
Friendship is key to how I live, I may not always be present or able to drop everything for people I care for but I make a point to express how much I care. Yet beneath all of this I fear and pull away when things get hard, aviding the possiiability or hurting someone else I care for. But what happens when the other person dosnt back off all tey do is continue the constant and hope and wait for you..honestly I don’t know and that freaks me out.
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| Making choices is on of the hardest things to do. As September draws close I am starting to realize that for the first time in the last 4 years I will not be setting my feet into a new room trying to find my place in a community of people all with the same general goal. I wont be having to deal the question of how do I make this work all on my own, having to hold my heart in one hand as I use my other hand to hold myself up as I climb the mountain of fears.
As I sat on the front steps of the small house with the warm wind blowing in my face I could smell the rain coming. Its sweet aroma that to me means so much then just a cool night drifted across my bare shoulders and as I looked up the clouds began to move at a some what faster pace rather then the slow saunter of a Saturday afternoon they were now on what could be described as the Monday morning race to work.
Leaning back I closed my eyes and let my memories of home and the lake fog my senses, I could almost feel the cool water on my finger tips when I opened my eyes to the suns blinding rays. I have come to find these memories poping into my mind more and more lately, not because I long to be some where else. Rather because the beauty that I grew up around and in and being a part of has only just started to take on a new value and meaning. There are certain things in life that allow you to feel like you belong and home is one of them, I know it will never change or move or change from being mine but for now my home is where ever my back pack is.
In the moments where i am able to stop and look around, I realize that I have come to care deeply about some of the most beautiful places my mind can remember. These places are good in my mind, not because everything is in its perfect place or because everything is placed “right”. Rather when I stop and look around and remember these places the imperfections, the colures that clash and smells that burn my nostrils the feeling of uncertainty, oh the beauty. I long to feel rain like I did when I stood beside the rushing stream, I long to stand over a fire trying not to cry because of the smoke, I long waking up in a tent realizing my sleeping bag is wet from the dew. But deep down I long to wake up at 2;30am hearing the dock’s squeak or sitting on the dock and seeing the water level change as a over sized boat cuts to close to the shore. Why I long for these things? I really cant understand right now, the only thing I can find I understand is I long for these moments/ things because they are out of the ordinary and beautiful in their imperfection.
Let me walk on the road with the dirty water between my toes, and the cool breeze all around me. Let me show you the places my heart is happy let me meet you where you are at, let me find you under the sunny sky or under the stormy clouds. Lord my moments are yours just like the psalms you are here.
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| for some many moments where i run hard there are few where i am able to sit and just be. be around those who can tell with one look how i am feeling ...oh time it slips away... how do i take hold, how do i not miss a minute. how do i toss my hands in the aid and thank God for everything i have and everything he has planed. to get away would be beautiful yet it would solve nothing so then why am i not met half way...to sit and just be in the moment God has given me is a beautiful thing yet i miss it to much as i get stuck in the thought that i need to be moving or doing.
i miss conversation
i miss long car rides
i miss snacking on beef jerky and gorp
i miss knowing that when i wake up i know what i am doing
i miss feeling something
At the end of the day when all this comes around i i chew on the inside of my lip thinking trying to find answers i realize that even with all of these things God still is working..and i continue to wait and find out whats next... what on his schedule that i have yet to see. | | |
| Some times I fear not being the friend that is able to make the trip to help you out. How am I to tell you I love you when you half way across the world. Friend I fear not being able to look you in the eyes and say words without speaking. How have I come to this place where my heart hurts when I think of how time has passed me by and I have missed my chance to say I care.
We rely on our own power and ability to help others, groups come and go and when the day ends how much have we waited on our Father. My challenge is to have faith like a mustard seed and that faith be something you can stand on knowing that by waiting on the Lord all is possible and the mountains will move.
God you are our only and faithful, allow us to fall to my knees thinking of how perfect you are and how you have made each one of us and the experiences we walk threw where we finding your love and then give your love to other.
Hold on:
Im falling into your arms unsure
Im crying silently fearing
Im realizing my good bye was for longer then I thought
Why are you leaving
My selfishness to want to be there for you scares me
My prayers to our God to keep you safe are being heard
My lack of words is due to me wishing I had more time
Yet really no ones life is on the line
Thank you for your friendship
Thank you for your faith
Thank you for everything even if it some times keeps me awake.
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